Monday, January 10, 2005

The Administration Responds

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba. The President has asked that I respond to you personally and
I am most happy to do so.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard "loud and clear" here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn
that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new
division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals
Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that
your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help
him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite
you, given the chance.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home-schooling. Your
adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can
extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.

We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive
devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those
items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is
a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure
they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time.
Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his
religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.
You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.
All here wish you the very best of luck.

I remain, cordially,

Donald Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense

NOTE: It is my understanding that this letter and its authenticity has been verified by Mary Mapes and an un-impeachable source. Sources close to the White House have had no comment. Our source, code name "Bux" is, as of this posting in an undisclosed location for personal safety reasons. The letter is being studied to determine if it was personally signed or done by a Borg...uh..machine. "If this is a fraud, I want to be the first to break the story..Tom Heard"